Flipside of Primal Force by Tango


All the characters are based on the television shows, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. I don't own them, get money for writing about them and have no permission. Alrighty?

Rating: NC-17

This is a companion piece to my other story Primal Force. (Instead of performing the spell on Angel, what if Wolfram & Hart had chosen Buffy instead?)

(FYI: For this story Conor is immaterial. And I shifted the time line to a more present time.)

B/S, B/A

All lyrics are from Ani Difranco.

Ready. . . .


maybe I'll live my whole life just getting by

Buffy started to think that if she stepped back a little more each day, eventually she would disappear and no one would notice. Then she thought if only she could fix what was wrong with her she would be whole again. That was the day she realized she was broken.

She was truly broken like someone had accidently nudged her off the counter. She fell in slow motion. She didn't hurry, but strolled downhill until she had forgotten the direction she was heading. When she reached the bottom, she sat there raw and in pieces and people began to pick up small parts of her.

She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut so that the colors whirled behind her eyelids, remnants of reflected light, and thought about who was hiding inside there where no one could see. Those people, who picked up that fraction of spread humanity, instead of pushing her closer to standing again, they took her with them, holding on to the part that they liked best.

Angel would say that Buffy never gave herself any credit. It wasn't enough to prevent the world from ending, she had to do more. But she didn't care about that anymore. First Angel left, then Riley, her Mom died, she died, Giles left and now the only person who understood her was Spike. She wasn't sure exactly when or how it happened, maybe a little at a time, but she was sure that she splintered and cracked and broke...in slow motion replay, in digital sound, in technicolor, in fucking 3D. She crashed so hard her pieces bounced a few times. It might be accurate to say she was feeling sorry for herself, but her limbs were numb and she kept thinking if she could just keep standing up straight, in the corner where she wouldn't draw too much attention, that maybe no one would notice the cracks that were left behind.

she says, i've got a darkness that i have to feed
i've got a sadness that grows up around me like a weed
and i'm not hurting anyone, i'm just spiraling in

She could always make things more difficult, but this wasn't being difficult, this was broken. She probably realized it the most clearly that day she sat on the porch with Spike, overhearing Giles' argument with Willow. Her most discernible memory was not the warmth and love radiating from the undead man sitting next to her or the angry voices wafting out of the house into the night but how real the wood felt beneath her weight. The stairs always creaked a little when she sat on them and tended to make the sound in crooked motions as if one side of the step is in a hurry and the other lags behind. She always thought that the step could be the best storyteller if only it could learn to speak.

She wanted to remember that day - the day she realized she was truly broken - as a horrible night, that lightning shook the sky and rain fell down in a warning from God himself. Instead, it was clear, the polluted Sunnydale sky showed a couple of trooper stars and the only rain was the tears that were too frozen behind her hallow eyes to escape.

Spike listened to her so easily, even her silence. He wasn't afraid of her. He wasn't afraid of midnight ramblings or allowing her to see his fear for her. Air holding words unspoken was not unnerving with him. He made her feel safe and warm - in an annoying sort of way. He made her fess up to herself, challenged her. He said and did things that made her want to take on the world with both fists in the air. She knew it wasn't right, he wasn't right, so she kept trying to walk away from the only thing that made her feel alive. But she couldn't.

Angel made her feel that way a lot - safe, protected, empowered, yet allowed to be weak. She couldn't count the number of nights she slept on a wet pillow, huddling against bunched blankets that refused to form his shape around her. If pride had stopped speaking to her for just a moment, she might have gotten out of bed one of those nights and stumbled into shoes on the way out to save their once upon a time, but the mind is the best antithesis ever known and she stayed in that bed, forcing herself to close her eyes, pushing them tighter to keep him out. The numbers became entangled in the grass, the sheep tripped over the fence and the air danced under the covers. If she had made it to the door, Angel would have taken her in his arms and kept her on chain in his pocket forever. . . at least that's how it works out in her mind's version. She dreamed of his skin against hers at night, warming to her touch...but in the morning, the breeze from the window was grave speak reminding her of when they were.

i am evening the score. i am cutting the umbilical cord curled with my teeth against my knees.
i am scratching at my consciousness like a bitch with fleas.
i think you'll be greatly pleased to learn that yours was the hardest itch to relieve.

For days after he left, Buffy fought sleep and stared at food. Battling memories and self pity on a daily basis drained any color she might have had left in her cheeks.

Each time someone left there was that same sorrow and self pity, that same enormous feeling of loss. And after the initial shock, she always made an attempt - she showered, dressed and went to The Bronze for an I'm healed party. She was out there looking for a physical flash, a pronounced rebound that would put things so out of prospective that she couldn't think about the person she lost again that night or maybe for a night or two afterwards. But she never found him. Riley didn't fill the role and Angel's brief visit to her mother's grave sent her spinning into the world of love and safety, and slamming back to reality just as quickly.

So she tried again, took another trip to The Bronze after Giles left and she looked for the escape. The music was shaking the floorboards and swirled around dancing bodies, electric heat forced her to keep moving her eyes away from her cup, dancing around the room. Anonymous fever shook inside her with each foreign touch, each piece of clothing that brushed her bare arms, each breath that sank against her neck.

Finally the touches weren't foreign, they were Spike's. She kissed him, longer and harder. She kept moving for fear of stopping and sweat swelled from her pores, weaving into the cloth of her shirt, dampening her hair, soaking into Spike and executing tentacles of energy into him. He boldly threaded his fingers into her hair, pulling her harder against his hungry lips. His body was so close to hers that she couldn't feel alone. His hands sliding to her hips and pressing against her, the music played no competition.

i said please try not to love me. close your eyes, i'm turning on the light.
you know i have no vacancy .

Weeks later, Spike still had not let her go and no intention of it. She was slowly becoming his, the way Angel had never possessed her. He gleamed with the pride of something almost taken. High on her self pity, he danced with the shadow of her confidence for a night in a broken down house. His skin - cold, hard - felt smooth and safe under her touch. Even his rough and frenzied love making left her feeling safe.

Adrenalin that had long been tucked away rooted its way through the maze of protective walls and forced itself on her lips, through her hips. Growling in the dark room they mutated from enemies to strangers and back again, their sweat becoming an oath. Finding reason to participate, the room bucked and swayed around them in a war dance, traipsing through the fire without fear of being singed. The broken window behind her back sent their cries into the night. He reached into her, pushing force back inside her soul until she was sure she would fall through, but instead they sank to the floor and slept a desperate clinging sleep, as if he too had escaped that night.

i cannot name this, i cannot explain this and i really don't want to. just call me shameless.

When she woke in the morning, she was sure that she had left herself somewhere between Angel and Spike. She was even more lost than before, lower than she even thought she could be. But as you know, these words are proof that something happened after that.

Buffy waited for that something to happen. After all, she had slept with Spike. Wasn't the earth supposed to swallow her up again? Wasn't this the signal of the next apocalypse? She waited for days for something to happen. She watched the doors, looked out the windows, patrolled. She waited and listened and looked, just like she thought she should. She looked in the mirror, she wrote down her thoughts. But nothing happened. So she went on with her life and she stopped looking for it...

i could love you, yeah, i've entertained the thought.
but i could never like you, so i guess i'd better not.

Buffy went back to Spike again and again, even after she swore that she wouldn't have sex with him again.

I can quit anytime I want, she thought.

But she had the shake. She had the tremor. She was addicted. The cold flesh moving inside her was reminiscent of Angel, only rougher, meaner, angrier. She wanted it and he made it easy with his worship of her. He claimed her again and again, proclaiming love only when he thought she might have forgotten.

This wasn't a date. This was the taking of a mate.


i got a dream with your face in it that scares me awake.
I put to much on the table now i got too much at stake.

After Angel left Buffy, things were strange at first, like if he ever knew what empty was, he hadn't been able to define it until he left her. And he had a hard time thinking about how he was supposed to do all the things that they did together by himself. So he carried Buffy around with him in the back of his mind and took her every place he went. It would be nice to say that after a week or so, he was fine, had fallen into a routine and had begun to heal - but that wasn't what happened.

It was almost picturesque, the way he kept Buffy in his pocket, like a good luck charm, hidden as if the magic would die if he shared it. Sometimes he thought images and memories of Buffy were camouflaged in his shadow. He thought Buffy made him a better person. Cynical, maybe, but he didn't think people like her existed. There was no one else like her and it wasn't just because she was The Slayer.

the sheets are twisted and damp and the heat is so great and
i swear i can feel the mattress sinking underneath your weight.

For a couple of months, he felt sorry for himself and sat around looking at the walls when he wasn't killing random demons. Doyle came along and Cordelia joined the team - a year passed by and the things mattered became things that used to matter. He started writing letters to Buffy in his head at night, watching the shadows become her tiny, perfect shape.

Days, weeks, months passed. Doyle died, Darla was brought back to life, Wesley, Gunn & Fred joined the team and he was happy with his new family. But he was still missing his mate. He took her picture out when he was sure no one was looking so he could memorize her lovely face for the millionth time. It wasn't her picture that made him fall into dreamy, nostalgic thoughts, but the memories that the picture piqued that made him feel love. He wished he could decide what part of her he appreciated more, but the way she spoke, the things she said, even if she wasn't necessarily talking to him; the way she made him feel shaky and new - all those things made his soul whimper and shudder inside him. He loved her and could no longer share it. Not with her, not with anyone else.

it's just hard to travel in the shadow of regret. in fact it's so hard that i haven't actually left.

She made him forget that he was supposed to be brooding and miserable for whole seconds at a time. He wanted to go back, tell her he was wrong, beg her to be with him forever, in their little world, away from fear and all that was real. She was the most vivid fantasy he had ever known. Angel wanted her so much that she filled every dream. And then when she started disappear from what he understood life to be, when she was no longer a dream, but a nightmare, he was left with a greater emptiness that the wanting used to fill. He knew emptiness and sorrow. He was consumed by it.


i might let you off easy, i might lead you on,
i might wait for you to look for me and then i might be gone.

The music packed a beat that made Willow sway her hips, pronouncing her entrance into the kitchen. She felt almost good for the first time since Tara left. Xander sat at the island, tapping his foot to the rhythm and weaving in his chair. Anya bobbed her head in time with Dawn, and watched as Willow mouthed the words to the song.

The mess she was making with dinner was just a side effect of the dancing. Laughing and chatter filled the sorrowful Summer's house for the first time in weeks. They felt almost joyful.

Until Spike burst in the door.

"Spike," Xander said sharply, "Learn to knock before we uninvite you again."

"Slayer's missing," Spike said, his eyes filled with a kind of fear none of them had ever seen.

"What?" Willow said, holding a spoon covered in spaghetti sauce, which had started to drip onto the kitchen floor.

"Have any of you seen her since last night?" Spike asked, hoping that their answer was yes and his fears were just unfounded. But he knew she was missing. Last night, they made love and when she left, he dressed and followed her out. He lost track of her and stopped over at her house to make sure she arrived home safely. She hadn't. He waited until sunrise forced him back to his crypt and once dusk spread across the town, he came out to look again.

"No," Dawn said, thinking that she had just slept in this morning.

"Me either," Willow said, looking at Xander & Anya, who had not seen her either.

"Last night," Spike panted, "I lost her...on patrol, so I came here to look for her but she never came home. I looked all over town tonight, even talked to Willy. No one's seen her."

Worry and panic spread over their faces. If Buffy hadn't been missing, someone in that room would know where she was. But none of them did.


in this city self preservation is a full time occupation. i'm determined to survive
on these shores. i don't avert my eyes anymore.

Buffy focused on the pain that scorched through her body. There was nothing else to concentrate on. The magick in the air was pressing against the walls, pressing against her so hard, she felt as if her veins were going to explode. She struggled to open her eyes. She couldn't remember how she was taken or how she got there. She remembered having sex with Spike, getting into an argument with him and leaving. Now she was chained to a hard, marble wall and the only thing she was sure of was that Spike had nothing to do with this.

Some kind of monk demons were chanting over her and in the back of the room, impeccably dressed with arms crossed, stood a woman and a man overlooking the ceremony and spell casting. Their faces were contorted in cold smiles and the sinister pleasure in their eyes made her shiver. She tried to focus on remaining intact and alert but she was no match to the magick. She felt weaker with each passing moment and could not remain calm. All she could feel was pain - streaking, white laced pain. She angrily yanked at the chains, screaming for release but the chanting continued.

One full minute later, the crimson hooded monks closed their ancient books and shuffled from the room, closely followed by the man and woman. Two guards strode over and calmly unlocked her shackles. Set free from her bondage, she tried to fight but fell to the floor, weak and almost unable to move.

"You are free to go," one of the guards said and they strolled out of the room, having no fear for The Vampire Slayer. Buffy stood on shaky legs, stumbled out of the room and searched for the exit. The building seemed to be a labyrinth of hallways and doors but finally she made her way to the door that led out into the world.


hour follows hour like water follows water

Spike spent that night just as he had spent the night before, searching for his Slayer. He couldn't believe he let her slip through his hands so soon after her death. He should have kept better tabs on her in the first place.

He beat up every demon he came across demanding the location of The Slayer. No one knew what had happened to her. This was the quietest kidnaping he had ever seen. Usually when there was something afoot regarding a Slayer of all people, the evil responsible couldn't wait to brag to anyone who spoke their language about the incident. No one knew one single detail about her abduction. No one had spoken to her or seen her in the last 48 hours.

He felt like killing someone. He felt like killing everyone.


i want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind.
i want somebody who has a tortured soul some of the time.
i want somebody who will either put out for me or put me out my misery.

Angel felt Buffy's fear and pain coursing through his dead veins, itching under his skin. He was pacing through the hotel lobby. Had been for hours.

"Angel," Cordy huffed from the red couch, looking up from her magazine.

"I'm fine," he growled and continued his pace. He had to go to her. He couldn't go to her. She was suffering. She was calling out to him. He was trapped in the space between determination and doubt. The stasis was driving him up the wall and his pacing was driving Cordelia up it with him.

"If you're fine," she said, standing and slapping her magazine down, "Then stop pacing like a lunatic."

"I'm fine," he repeated, more for his own benefit than hers. He couldn't just go running to Sunnydale every time he had a feeling she might just need him. This was ridiculous. She could take care of herself. And yet, she was pawing at his soul, clawing her way into his conscious.

"Just go. Please," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Where?" He said, stopping his trek to look at her.

"To Buffy. You're so thick headed sometimes."

"What makes you think this has anything to do with Buffy?"

"No one else drives you up the damn wall like this. What the hell is going on? You have a blimp on your Buffy-dar?"

"What?" He couldn't concentrate on a word that came out of her pretty mouth. Buffy was shaking inside him, digging into his grave with a life force that screamed for an answer.

"Never mind," she sighed.

"I'm going," he said, walking towards the door, up the stairs and out of the double glass doors.

I'm not rushing to her side, he thought, I'm just helping someone in trouble, just like I would help anyone else.

"Thank God. Anywhere but here," she muttered, settling back in to the comfort of his absence.


i ain't no damsel in distress and i don't need to be rescued, so put me down punk.

Her legs were weak she as she attempted to find her way home. She was practically hunched over with weakness and finally dropped to a crawl, her limbs weaker with each inch she traveled. She wasn't going to make it. She struggled to move her legs, each knee shaking as it hit the ground. If some vampire happened along she would be dead.

Luckily, the right vampire happened along.

"Buffy!" Spike yelled, paralyzing anxiety filling his voice. Spike felt the garment of terror slip over him and hug his mind, even as the relief settled over him. He scooped her into his arms and carried her towards her house, "What in the bloody hell happened?"

i found myself spellbound by the sight of you, beautiful and grotesque

"Kidnapped, spell," she said resting her head on his chest. If his heart had been beating, she would have felt it pound against his rib cage as he picked up the pace.

"Should I take you to the hospital, love?"

"No, need to go home," she whispered, the spell already taking its toll on her system. She couldn't even demand that be allowed to walk on her own. She wouldn't be able to stand, let alone walk.

"Are you sure?"

"Not dying," She whispered, her breath hot against his brown silk shirt.

"Do you know who took you?" Spike asked, unable to shake his worry.

"No. Demons. People in suits."

"What was the spell? Do you know?"

"No," she whispered, "was in some demon language. Didn't understand it."

Each he took step was purposeful and deliberate, his wide strides flaring his leather duster out behind him. He listened to his mate speak in a weakened voice.

Yes, his mate.

some people wear their heart up on their sleeve. i wear mine underneath my right pant leg, strapped to my boot. don't think ‘cuz i'm easy, i'm naive. don't think i won't pull it out, don't think i won't shoot.

He knew that Angel marked her, knew her better than he ever would, but she was his. He was sure of it. She had to be.

"Call Angel," Buffy whispered, "Need him."

"Why?" Spike demanded, sounding more possessive than he meant to.

"Need him. He can help me. Tell him to come here," she said, peering out through half closed eyes. After finishing her sentence, she was sound asleep.

He listened to her breathing - shallow, shaky breaths were released in staccato from her strong lungs. She was struggling against him, half voluntarily, half involuntarily, trying to escape his desperate hold. She let out a whimper as he concentrated on her heartbeat. Slower, slower.

He abruptly turned in the other direction. He didn't care that she didn't want to go to the hospital. Her damn blood pressure was sinking. Her heart was struggling inside her tiny chest. He increased his speed and in seconds was in a full out vampiric charged run.

He screeched to a halt outside the automatic emergency room doors and waited for them to slowly open for him. Damn bloody doors. You would think since this was an emergency room, they would have the doors open faster than that!

He rushed through the first set, her limp body clutched so tightly in his arms that a normal human's bones would have cracked under the pressure. He paused outside the second set of doors impatiently. He felt like screaming as he breezed through them. How much more fucking time could it take just to get in the damn door? If he wasn't neutered, he would have already killed someone.

"Need a doctor," he shouted into the room, carrying her to the window, brushing past the people waiting there with knife wounds, neck lacerations and broken bones. The smell of blood was thick and he pushed back his demon half but couldn't keep the flashing yellow from his eyes.

"What seems to be the problem?" The nurse sitting calmly on the other side of the glass asked.

"If I knew what the bloody problem was," Spike said, trying to keep calm, "I wouldn't need you bloody people. She needs a doctor. She's wounded. Her pulse is slowing and she has lost consciousness."

He didn't know much, but he knew what happened right before a heart stopped. He knew how fragile human life was. He was an inch from hysteria.

"Okay, we'll have a gurney out in a moment to take your girlfriend in. I need to you fill out a couple of forms in the meantime."

Any patience that he might have been reserving for a rainy day, fled his system abruptly. He felt the growl rising in his throat but kept it in check, "She needs a doctor. Right now. If she doesn't get treatment, she's going to die."

He neared the glass, holding her tightly against his chest, "And then you're next."


i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone

"Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless," Cordy said in a dull, monotone voice.

"Cordy, It's Willow. Is Angel there?"

"No," Cordy said, feeling alone and grouchy from Angel's multiple hours of tirades.

"Where is he?" Willow asked, still not believing that she was calling Angel and that Spike had actually insisted that she call him before she came to the hospital. Spike said that Buffy somehow thought Angel could save her. With every cell in his undead body, he did not want to believe it was true but he also knew she was dying. He would swallow his pride if it meant saving her life.

"On his way there."

"He's already coming here?"

"Yeah," Cordy answered, "He's been driving me crazy all day long. He thinks there's something wrong with Buffy."

"There is."

"What is it?" Cordy asked, feeling concerned for the first time. She truly thought Angel was just being possessive and paranoid.

"She was kidnapped and some kind of spell was performed on her, but we don't know what."

"Oh God," Cordy said, "Is she...going to be okay?"

"I think so," Willow mumbled, "I hope so."


you'll stop me, won't you, if you've heard this one before? the one where i surprise you by showing up at your front door saying, 'let's not ask what's next, how or why.'

Angel was driving as fast as the Belvedere allowed, his eyes trained on the road in front of him. He could feel her slipping inside of him. Any other worldly connections he might have cared about, any concern for the others on the road, any pampering of his car and anything else that might have mattered before fell away as he drove.

His mate was dying. He felt it. He was sure of it. He never noticed her heartbeat inside himself before but he was sure he could feel it today. He made it to the hospital minutes after The Scoobies arrived.

He walked past them all and headed straight for Spike. Spike carried her scent. He was the one who had last touched her. The click in his brain that usually brought him back to sanity was missing today. His deep brown eyes carried a dangerous determination that made her friends shrink back in fear of him.

The nurse's station had placed Buffy in a room right across from them deliberately because they all knew of the blonde man's dangerous possessiveness of her. A security guard leaned against the counter, waiting for chaos to break out. He didn't have to wait long. The overprotective vibe coming from the young blonde man was nothing compared to the tangible worry, fear and possessiveness the brown haired man's entrance wrought.

Angel beelined for Spike. He slammed him non too gently against the wall, Spike's head thunking painfully against the monochrome white walls.

"Where is she?"

"In there, mate," Spike said, managing to nod to the left.

"What happened to her?"

"Kidnapped and then some sort of spell was performed but we don't know what. Nasty sort of deal," he said, trying to act nonchalant & failing miserably. Angel could smell the dread that radiated from Spike in waves. He wasn't afraid of Angel, he was terrified for Buffy.

"I better not find out you had anything to do with this," Angel growled and turned away.

Spike gulped an unneeded breath of air. Angel knew. He was positive that Angel already smelled Buffy's scent on him and it wouldn't take long until he figured it out.

And Angel was never more dangerous than when it came to his mate.

He headed for her room where doctors were still seeing to her injuries and trying to stabilize her. The nurses stood and the guard straightened to his full height as Angel stormed toward the room with deadly resolution in his eyes. Her heartbeat was strengthening but he could smell her blood and it made him insane with fear. The nurse prepared to open her mouth to stop him and felt her voice already shaking in fear before it reached her lips.

"Angel," Willow said, placing a tender hand on his black sleeve. He turned and faced his love's best friend.

"They are still in there with her. Wait out here," she said, tugging him gently aside.

"Willow," he said, unable to stop the growl from coming out with his words, unable to become lucid and rational with her pain calling out to him from only a room away. If only he could get to her, he knew he could make the pounding stop, "She's hurting. They're hurting her."

"They're helping her," she whispered, glancing at the shocked hospital staff, "they're stabilizing her."

She gently tugged him toward the chairs but he wouldn't sit. The nurse sighed in relief when the redhead intervined with the dangerous looking young man. She was pretty sure that the lackadaisical guard leaning on the counter would not be able to stop him if he wanted to get into the room.

Angel stood rigid and staring at the door. The moment anyone left that room he was going in. He waited for a long time - each minute drew out, slicing holes in the sparse shield of sanity he had left.


What good is a poker face when you've got an open hand? I was supposed to be cool about this. I remember cool was the plan. Tried to keep it all under wraps but the wraps kept going slack. I keep turning around. I keep coming back.

Angel stood near the wall but so nervous, he was unable to lean on it. He waited with every muscle in his body tensed and waiting for someone, anyone to exit the room. While he stood waiting, no one approached him or spoke to him - his restless state undisguised and frightening to everyone but Spike, who was definitely intimated at the very least and began to wonder if his love could compare to the insanity his Sire held for her.

Buffy regained consciousness somewhere in the middle of her treatment and three things happened in rapid succession: she felt Angel's presence, she realized she was in a hospital, she screamed...Angel's name.

i just resurfaced and here you are i must admit that it has been hard so far

Angel crossed the distance rapidly and burst through her door, answering her scream, before the guard was even able to lift himself from the counter. The logic Angel was expected to have and usually did was devoid as he went in the room intending to deal with whatever happened.

She was thrashing on the bed trying to escape the her assailants, who happened to be the people who were attempting to save her life. They were struggling with her immense strength, they tried to put arm restraints on but were kicked and bucked away. Angel stormed in the room unable to stop the obviously inhuman roar that issued from him. They stopped and looked him while Buffy was struggling to get up. She kicked and punched the medical staff away from her bedside, jumped up from the bed and slammed herself into Angel's arms - the force causing him to take a step back from the force of her blow.

"Come on," she begged, pleading for him to take her away from the hospital, "Let's go."

She tugged at his large arm but he swept her into his arms & carried her back to bed, much to the dismay of the dazed staff. She struggled in his arms, "Angel, please," she cried, "let me go. Wanna leave. Have to leave."

Her drug induced daze and spell induced panic made her twice as freaked in the hospital as usual.

"Sorry baby," he whispered, putting her back in bed. The medical staff, tossed on the floor and slammed against the walls, shook their dazed heads and stared at the couple. The girl had more strength than could even be explained by adrenalin and the man made an nefarious sound before gently taking her back to bed. They were unsure of the appropriate action as they watched the lovers.

and i still think of you as my boyfriend. i don't think this is the end of world.

"Angel, take me home," she said, kneeling on the bed and clutching his broad frame.

"Not until the doctors okay it," he said firmly.

"Please," she said, in a panicked voice, "Please, Angel."

"No, love," he whispered, trying to get her to lay down but she just clung to him. He looked over at the medical staff rising to their feet.

"What do you still need to do? What's wrong with her?"

"W-we have treated her wounds, sir," the doctor stuttered, "and we performed a couple of tests already but we still need to take blood to do a couple more tests. It seems odd that a healthy young girl like herself would become so sick so suddenly."

"Okay," Angel said nodding and looking at Buffy, who shook her head no. He shook his head yes in response. Finally after a staring contest, Angel sighed and sat down on her bed, pulling her against his chest.

"They're going to take blood, love."


"Sorry. Have to find out what's wrong with you."

He held her tightly in case she should try to escape but she laid against him docilely. She looked pale, trembling and she wasn't breathing as she normally did. Her breaths were more shallow. She clutched him wildly as they took her blood but she remained still for the procedure. He laid back and turning on his side, he pulled her against him.

"Sleep," he commanded quietly and she closed her eyes - safe.


it's gonna be sudden, it's gonna be strange. i'm gonna turn on a dime and give you five cents change. it's gonna be long overdue. it's all gonna come out, outta me, onto you.

When she had fallen into a sound sleep, he slipped away to talk to the gang, who were all still waiting outside. He glared at the nurses at the nurses station, who would be talking about what had happened in that room all night. The man who seemed so dangerous became gentle and loving in the arms of the girl. She fell asleep in the comfort of his soft whispers to her. The look on his face now did not resemble the man who had held her.

He walked casually over to them, his movements relaxed but his eyes deadly, "No one goes in that room unless I'm in it."

"But sir, visiting hours..."

"No one," he said in a firm, serious voice, "No one goes in there without me. Understand?"

The head nurse nodded mutely and he turned to Buffy's friends, who waited in earnest for him to emerge.

"They're doing tests. She's okay but they don't know what caused it," he said, "What do you guys know?"

"Not much," Willow stated, "She was kidnapped and then some spell was performed on her. She said she couldn't understand whatever language they were speaking."

"We need to find out," Xander said.

"Yes, we do," Angel said, turning to Spike, "What do you know?"

"Nothing," he said, "I found her crawling on the ground, picked her up and ran here. That's all I know."

Angel crossed the room and slammed Spike into the wall again, his eyes completely golden, "I want to know what the hell is going on, Spike and I want to know right now."

"I don't know anything," he repeated, "I've been looking for the little bint for 2 damn days. All I know is that it wasn't anyone local because no one in town knew anything about where The Slayer was."

Releasing Spike, Angel walked over and looked in at her sleeping.

"Her scent," Angel said softly "is..."

"Off," Spike finished, scooting away, trying to put some space between himself and his Grande Sire. No one in the room missed the small gesture. No one in the room had ever smelled intimidation so clearly, either.

"Yes," Angel said.

"Something's missing," Spike added.

It was as if part of her essence was missing. Both of them noticed the incompleteness about her almost at once. The spell hadn't just done something to her, it had taken something from her.

"Yes," Angel said, inhaling her deeply from a room away, as Spike took another step back.

Angel's head snapped around and he laid his golden eyes on Spike, "Her scent is off in more ways than one."

Angel growled involuntarily, "Something's missing and something's new." The last word flew out of his mouth like acid, hitting Spike about the time Angel did. Enraged, Angel grabbed him by the throat and he slammed him against the plaster hospital wall, "She carries your scent."

Slamming his fist into Spike's face, he shouted, "Why is that, William?"

yeah, the hatred was immediate and the vengeance was divine

Not waiting for an answer, he slammed his fist into his face again, this time Spike's body broke into the wall and hit the boards normally hidden inside. The cold smile that curled over Angel's face resembled Angelus.

"How did that happen? Did you take advantage of her before you brought her here?"

"You have no claim on her now," Spike muttering, trying to pick himself out of the wall.

"Answer my question," Angel said, growling deeply behind his words, fury behind his eyes, his hand wrapped tightly around Spike's throat, not allowing him to move. Good thing he didn't need to breathe, but he did need the bones in his neck which he could almost hear whine beneath his Grande Sire's grip.

"I didn't take advantage of her," Spike croaked.

Angel tried to calm himself but she smelled of him and not just because she had been around him. She didn't just smell of him, she reeked of him. He had been inside her. Spike had slept with his mate. Angel was furious, heart broken and edging on Angelus type insanity.

no one ever talks about it but no one can disguise
the cloud of competition that's hanging behind their eyes
there's more bad blood

"She reeks of you," Angel snarled, pulling him roughly from the hole in the wall and slamming him back in.

"So," Xander snorted, "He's been hanging around us for months. He has that chip in his head, you know. Electronically neutered."

"That's not what I mean," Angel said, his eyes covered in rage, almost causing the group to cringe from the waves of anger that flowed from his body. Turning back to Spike he growled, ignoring the approaching guards and spoke again, his voice low and feral, "You've been inside her."

"Listen, mate," Spike began but his words were met with Angel's fist, crunching the words from his jaw.

death has been your lover. he has brought you the edges of your life.

"You've been inside her. You had sex with my mate," he said, trying to keep it low but everyone in the vicinity heard it.

"WHAT?" Xander, Willow & Dawn yelled at once.

"Angel," Spike said, smiling through bloody lips, "Calm down, mate. You left her. She had to turn someone."

"Not to you," he said.

"To me," he reaffirmed.

"You will not touch her again," Angel said.

"I will when she wants me to and she'll want me to," Spike said, taunting him, smiling, "You see, Peaches, you're the wanker who left 'er high and dry. All alone. She wants me. She needs me."

jumping is easy, that falling is fun, right up until you hit the sidewalk - shivering, stunned.

Spike wasn't sure the last words were true but he couldn't let the opportunity pass by. The look on the Poof's face was too much. He only saw it briefly. Seconds later he was colliding with the wall across the hall, slamming deeply into the plaster. Angel wasted no time in making his way across the hall and picking him up again.

If he hasn't fed off her, I won't kill him, he told himself as he tossed Spike into Buffy's room, away from the staff's watchful eyes and sank into his throat. The group hurried in behind them, looking on in confusion and shock as Spike leaned back against the wall in Buffy's room unmoving and allowed his Sire to take his blood without comment. Angel tore into his throat violently, drank deeply, preparing to keep going if he tasted her blood. He didn't.

Reluctantly, he pulled away.

"At least you made one good choice, Spike."

"I'm in love with her," Spike said softly with more direct honesty than Angel had ever seen. He knew the boy was telling the truth.

"She's spoken for."

"You left." Spike knew that when this fiasco was over, Angel would leave and he wouldn't be able to keep him from Buffy's side. He would just bide his time until he left.

"Doesn't matter," Angel said, trying to control his temper but he couldn't make himself remove his hand from Spike's throat and all he wanted to do was squeeze until the bones in his Grande Childe's neck snapped, "In the vampire world, she belongs to me. She's marked. She's mine. You know that. Not only that, she is your Sire's mate, you arrogant fuck. You have no right to touch her and I have every right to rend you limb from limb."

Angel wanted to believe every word that he said, but the truth is that he knew Buffy was not his. She did not belong to him. Not anymore. In the vampire world, she was undoubtably his mate, she was his other half and maybe he could try to keep Spike away from her, but he had no claim on her body and soul in the "real" world. The thought made his body retract with a gut wrenching convulsion - just the thought of having no claim whatsoever on his beloved, having no say in who made love to her, who held her, made him physically ill.

"I'm in love with her and you," Spike said with the arrogance that Angel alluded to, "are impotent. She needed a man. She got one."

Shocked looks fell across the room at Spike's words and Angel roared at his words, slamming his fist into Spike's face again and again.

"What you are is stupid," Angel's voice was as icy as his glare, "touch her again and I'll kill you."

"It's her choice," Spike said quietly but firmly. Slamming him to the floor, Angel crushed his black leather boot into the side of Spike's face, "As my Childe, you will not touch my mate again. Understand me, boy?"

"Yes, Sire," came Spike's voice muffled between Angel's boot and the floor. But they both knew that the decision was ultimately Buffy's. They both knew Spike's words were a lie to placate his anger. If Angel couldn't get her back, he could not keep Spike from being with her. The thought made Angel's mind go numb.

"She belongs to me," Angel snarled, repeating himself, looking over at her still sleeping form trying to swallow the demonic rage inside of him. They all looked up at the guard when he came to the door, prepared to toss all of them out. Angel yanked Spike to his feet. The two vampires, disguised behind human features, squared off side by side to look at the guards. Neither one of them was going to leave the hospital until Buffy did.


you can't believe your eyes, you can't believe your ears, you can't believe your friends, you can't believe you're here and you're not going to get through it so you are going down.

"Angel?" Buffy said wearily, struggling to open her eyes and sit up.

"Buffy," he said, turning from the guards and going across the room, "I'm here, love."

She crumpled against him, trying to swallow the sobs that racked her body.

"What happened to you? Do you remember?" He asked, smoothing his hands over her narrow back, trying to calm her but he felt her panic covering his skin. She was trembling and a light beaded sweat covered her body.

Spike looked on, helpless as Angel touched her, his hands covering her shivering body. He wiped the blood from his face with the back of his hand. He had to figure out how to get rid of the Poof and quick. He leaned against the wall causally, waiting for Buffy to notice him and pull away from Angel.

Please Buffy, he thought.

"Someone's trying to destroy us. Someone is trying to kill you," she said, her voice wavering

"Destroy us?" he asked, confused.


He looked into her wide, terrified eyes. Under her fear lay the overwhelming love and devotion he thought he would never see again. He knew right away that something was very wrong.

"Okay," he said, reluctantly, "We'll figure this out."

"Will you stay here with me tonight instead of going to the mansion?" she asked.

"The mansion?"

"Yes. I want you to stay here with me," she whispered, "I'm afraid something might happen to you."

Angel looked over at her friends and watched the realization dawn on their faces. She didn't remember that he had left.

Spike felt his heart drop. Not only had Angel freaked out, just as he thought he would when he found out about them, but now Buffy wasn't even in her right mind to set him straight. Thank God Peaches had the curse or all would be lost.

"Okay," he said, brushing her hair back with his large hand. She struggled to stand but couldn't make it off of the bed.

"What do you need?" He asked.

just do me a favor. it's the least you can do.
don't treat me like i am something that happened to you.

"Need to leave," she said. She saw Spike staring at her covered in blood, shock and worry, she screamed, "What the hell is he doing here?"

Spike turned and stormed out of the room. This was a giant bloody nightmare.

"What the hell is going on?"

"You have amnesia, Buffy," Xander offered.

"What do you mean? Of course, I don't. I remember who I am. I remember who you are."
"What about me?" Dawn said, walking over.

"You're my sister, of course I know who you are, Dawny."

"But you don't remember that Spike has a chip in his head that makes it so he can't kill people? He's been working with us for months, Buffy. He's at your house all of the time." Willow asked.

"A chip?" Buffy asked, confused, "No, that's crazy. I would never invite him in my house. He's evil."

nobody's lying and still the stories don't line up

"Well...yeah, kinda," Xander said.

"But not a lot...anymore," Willow said looking perplexed, "It's kinda hard to explain."

"Sounds like it," Buffy answered, leaning more heavily against Angel, her eyes drooping closed. He scooped her up in his arms and laid back in the bed with her curled on top of him. He nodded at her friends that he would be back out to discuss this soon.

She snuggled against him, feeling comfortable and safe but still panicked that he would be gone when she woke. She intertwined her fingers with his, holding on to him tightly as she fell into a deep sleep. He waited awhile, drowning in comfort, warmth and arousal as she slept. It took more than an hour for him to work up the courage to try and peel himself away for the second time that night. He pulled back gently and tried to slip out of her grasp but she tightened her grip and murmured his name in her sleep, suddenly tensing with fear.

It felt so right being in her arms again that for a second he thought she still loved him. Then he remembered that she had forgotten a lot of things. She had forgotten she didn't want to be a part of his life anymore. The more he realized what might happen when the spell was reversed, the more it frightened him to look into having it reversed. He knew he had to do it but he just couldn't bare the thought of losing her forever, which is what gut-twisting-angst-ridden result he expected.

Obliging her iron grip, he closed his eyes and took advantage of the little warmth he was being given.


we were always crazy. now look at you baby, you make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme.

His cell phone rang four times before Angel answered it.

"Hello," he said, his voice muffled by the pillow and smiled feeling Buffy in his arms.

"Angel," Cordy said weakly, "I had a vision. I need you to come back here. Now."

"What's up?" He said, looking down at Buffy's still sleeping form.

"There a large nest of vampires downtown. They are planning a big attack tonight."

"Okay," he said feeling guilt and worry fill him, "I'll be there in a couple of hours."

He glanced at the clock. They had slept all day. The sun was just setting. He vaguely remembered doctors and nurses checking on them and even trying to get him to leave the room.

"Buffy," he said, slipping his phone back in his pocket and shaking Buffy with his free hand - the one that wasn't trapped in hers.

"Angel," she whispered, snuggling closer into him.

"I have to go," he said, smoothing a hand over her hair, his voice husky with sleep. Buffy let out a tiny whine at his statement and flipped her leg over his hip. Taking his large hand in her tiny one, she slid his hand under her gown and between her now wide open thighs. She guided his hand to her dripping core and began moving her hips slightly against his hand. His response was automatic, as he pushed a finger inside her and she reached back to smooth her hand over his growing hardness.

"Where?" she moaned, trying to distract him into staying with her.

"Home," he moaned back as she pivoted, still riding his hand as she straddled him. As she reached for his zipper, he pushed her hand away, and pulled his own away from her female heat, nodding at the nurses station. Had she forgotten the curse?

"Take me home with you," she whispered.

"To LA?"


"That's where I live."

"Since when?"

He sighed. She didn't remember. She didn't remember him leaving or the curse or Spike. What else had she forgotten? Apparently the only thing he was sure she remembered was that at one time she did love him. How could he explain this without causing her all the pain he caused her the first time? He didn't want to tell her.

"What do you remember?" he asked.

"Well, I don't remember you moving to LA, if that's what you're asking," she said, sitting up, still straddling his lap.


and i am sure without a doubt, they're gonna want to know how we got in here and they're gonna want to know how we plan to get out. we better have a good explanation for all the fun we had, ‘cuz they are coming for us babe, and they're going to be mad, they're going to be mad at us.

Buffy looked over at Angel concentrating on the road ahead of his car. Angel had spent a long time trying to explain the past to her but she didn't believe him. How could she? Did he really expect her to believe that he had left her? That he turned evil when they had sex? That she had slept with three other men, one of them being Spike? None of it made any sense. She wasn't about to lose him, no matter what he said. She knew deep inside her that she had never been with another man. She didn't want any other man.

"You're going to be angry with me when you get your memory back," Angel had said, moving her off of his lap back at the hospital. He told her that she didn't want him anymore, didn't love him like she used to. He said that when she regained her memory, she would waste no time leaving for Sunnydale. She demanded he take her with him. She wasn't letting him out of her sight. He was hers. He belonged to her. No one was taking him away again.

No one.

She leaned back against the door and studied him. She did have to admit that he was a sight for sore eyes. She felt like she hadn't seen him in a long time, even though she was sure she had. She knew she spent every night in his arms. Where else would she be?

She looked over his etched face, furrowed deep in brooding. She looked over his smooth lips and thought about how they felt on her body. She shivered when she remembered him between her thighs, lapping her up, drinking her in. She let her eyes move to his large hands, clutching the steering wheel nervously. She imagined those hands that fought evil covering her body in gentle caresses, moving inside her, cupping her breasts. She worked her way all over his body, undressing him with her eyes. She thought about his back and how he loved her hands moving over it, tickling his spine, his hard chest and stomach rubbing against her bare skin, his thick cock buried to the hilt inside her.

I'm such a naughty girl but when we're together...

She was so aroused by him she could barely focus on their destination. She shimmied out of her panties, lifted the hem of her skirt and reaching between her muscular thighs, she felt the wetness waiting for her there. She leaned against the door, spreading widely for her lover, allowing him to see her intimate dance. Angel was thankful that he didn't need to breath, as he watched her slip one slender finger inside her moist center. His cock was pressing painfully against his pants as he sneaked glances over at her pleasuring herself. It took every ounce of his self control not to pull over and make love to her.

"Angel," she moaned, resting her head against the door, arching her body, her erect nipples showing through the delicate material of her blouse. He watched every movement that he could of her delicate hands between her legs as he drove. He felt like his body was being ripped apart by not being able to touch her. He watched out of his peripheral vision as she made herself climax, shaking violently from her orgasm.

"God, Buffy," he moaned, shifting in the driver's seat, silently begging her to stop and to continue.

She crawled slowly across the wide front seat, taking hours to get to him. He moaned before she even touched him, slowly caressing the hardness straining against his pants. She unzipped his zipper, still trembling from her orgasm moments before. Releasing his hard cock, she took him into her mouth, making him release unneeded breath and shiver beneath her touch. Sucking him hard into her mouth, she moved slowly up and down on him as he drove.

"Mmmm..." she hummed, moving her mouth up and down on him.

"Buffy, please," he moaned, leaning his head back. He blinked, trying to focus on the road but her tiny hand gripped the base of his cock, radiating heat through his entire body and her skillful tongue and lips engulfed him. He strained against the seat belt, wishing he had more leverage to arch against her.

As she pleasured him with aching slowness, he gripped the steering wheel, trying not to yank it from the steering column, trying to to reach down and touch her. He looked over and saw that her skirt had ridden up and he could see the her round firm ass peeking from beneath her skirt. If he didn't touch her, he would be okay, he told himself. A thousand kaleidoscopes of color exploded behind his eyes as he came into her mouth, releasing a savage roar and momentarily swerving on the highway.

come to me ready and rude
bring me angel food, angel food

Buffy moved up, nibbling his lips, still caressing his cock.

"I need you inside me, lover," she whispered, moving down to place a playful bite on his neck. She felt him growing hard again beneath her fingertips.

"Can't," he said through clenched teeth, his knuckles turning white against the steering wheel.

"Why not?"

"Curse, dammit," he growled, wondering if it was already too late. If he made love to her, he knew all would be lost. She peeled his right hand from the steering wheel and slid onto his lap, guiding him into her hot, wet entrance. The spell's influence reshaped her mind, made her not believe in the curse. All she knew was that she had to reclaim her mate, make him believe that he was hers again.

"Buffy," he growled, sliding his free hand under her skirt to grab her round ass.

"Hmmm?" She asked as she moved ever so slowly up and down on his shaft. She ripped open his shirt, causing several of the buttons to pop off and roll away in the car. Lifting her shirt, she pressed their chests together, loving the feel of skin on skin. He was like marble, cold and hard, making her shiver with voracious lust as she used his shoulders for leverage to raise herself up and then slide back down. He groaned as she kissed and licked his smooth skin and then placed her hands on his knees behind her, leaning back, giving him a perfect view of her breasts, her small rosy nipples bouncing before his eyes. She clutched his knees tightly in her little hands as she moved over him.

"Buffy," he repeated, "Baby, please. Can't...need you to...."

"Angel," she moaned, sheathing him deeper inside her, flexing her inner muscles to massage his cock, "Love you."

Rearing up, she crashed against him harder, jarring him into the seat as he tried to steer. Passing the point of no return, he finally pulled off the road and secured the car in park. He slammed up against her, snapping the seat belt that held him pinned there. Free of his restraint, he moved inside her with desperate heated motions. Their guttural moans echoed in the night as they found their release together.


i got a dream with your face in it that scares me awake.
i put to much on the table now i got too much at stake.

Spike watched Angel's car peel away from the hospital parking lot toward LA. He stood in the shadows watching them until the black car was out of sight. He waited until he could no longer smell her. He waited longer after that.

He turned and walked back to his crypt, unable to control the sorrow that welled up inside him. She left with Angel and he was terrified that she may never return.

She had told Spike she didn't love him again and again, that he disgusted her, that she didn't want him or need him. But he never believed her. She couldn't just admit she was in love with a demon with no soul. But she was.

Wasn't she?

When i say you sucked my brain out, the english translation is i am in love with you and it is no fun. but i don't use words like love, ‘cuz words like that don't matter. But don't look so offended, you know, you should be flattered.

His crypt was darker than usual and the whole damn place smelled of her - of her sweat and cum. If stone could burn, he would've burned the whole damn place down. If the chip was out of his head, he would've killed half the town in a deranged spray of havoc and misery. If she had her memory, he would go after her.

If, if, if.

He was ready for eternal life to come to an end if it was always going to happen this way, if he was always going to lose in the end. Bloody stupid bitch. She seduced him long before he knew it and led him around by the short hairs. Even when Dru was still by his side, all he could think of was The Slayer.

i'm imagining your frame, every angle and every plane. i'm imagining your smell. the one mingled with mine once upon a time. thoughts of you are picketing in my brain.

And now, years later, he still could think of nothing but The Slayer. The Slayer and her pink nipples rising above him, perched on firm, rounded breasts that shivered in ecstasy. The Slayer and her steaming cunt flexing around his cock. The Slayer and her tiny waist arching against him, to him. Her blonde hair cascading in a golden halo, her hands touching his body.

When he found out he could hit her, he was consumed by the idea of tasting her blood. He wanted to mark her golden body the way Angel had, erasing his Grande Sire's claim on her. He wanted to brand her as his. He wanted to hear her beg for him to take it. He wanted more than anything to hear her say she loved him.

i could step off the end of this pier but i got shit to do.

He turned on his heel and headed back out of his crypt. He would kill every demon he could find. Anything to keep him from that crypt until he was trapped there when the sun came.

No, he wouldn't go back to the crypt. He would go help the superfriends research when the morning came. He had to know the minute she regained her memory. So he could go get her back.


feel free to listen, feel free to stare.

Angel and Buffy arrived at the Hyperion Hotel and found Cordy, Wesley, Fred & Gunn all standing around the lobby waiting for his return so they could go take out the newest vamp nest in town. They stared in shock at the couple's rumpled forms. Angel's shirt open wide, exposing his muscular chest, half the buttons missing. Buffy's skin was flush and rosy, obviously having just orgasmed.

Damn, Angel thought. He was hoping he could get to his room and get changed before he saw his family. They all know now. They all would be waiting for the inevitable change.

"You've got to be kidding me," Cordy exclaimed looking over the couple.

"What?" Buffy asked, innocently, which seemed coy, but she really didn't understand the curse. She didn't believe that her gentle Angel could ever be evil.

and you're the only boy i ever let see thru me

Angel gripped her hand and went directly up the stairs, pulling Buffy behind him, her bag hanging loosely in his other hand.

"Angel," Wesley said, "Did you intend to go on the hunt with us before you revert to Angelus?"

"I'll be right back," Angel growled, increasing his speed up the stairs.

"Damn," Gunn said under his breath.

"What?" Fred asked, more confused than Buffy.

"I can see why he had to leave her," Gunn said, a knowing smile covering his attractive face, "I wouldn't be able to resist either."

"Gimme a break," Cordy groaned in disgust.

"Oh..." Fred said, the realization dawning.

"Don't worry," Gunn said, smiling wider, "I didn't say you weren't just as hot."

Cordy leaned heavily against the counter, shaking her head. This was so much worse that she thought.

Angel and Buffy reemerged moments later, both of them changed. The group was happy to note that they hadn't been gone long enough to commit any further sexual acts that would cause the unleashing of Angelus.

"Okay," Angel said, standing before the group with Buffy close at his side, "Everyone make sure they have a couple of stakes."

"For you or the nest?" Cordy asked, anger and disappointment marring her face.

"Both," he said, looking down on Buffy's alarmed face.

"Anyone get near Angel with a stake," Buffy said, her voice nearly a growl, "And I'm going to forget that Slayers don't kill people."

She twirled around, exiting the building with Angel's hand in hers. He looked over his shoulder giving them all a cognizant look.

Ignore her, the look said, and stake me.


pounding out the rhythms of attraction

After taking out the nest, Cordy, Wesley and Gunn stayed at the hotel that night, waiting for the inevitable return of Angelus. They sat around a card table in the lobby, playing poker and waiting, with stakes hidden in their pockets.

Amorous moans wafted down the stairs into the lobby. The lovers were either unaware of the group or didn't care. Angel's low moans were encompassed by Buffy's heated moans of ecstasy. She screamed his name, climaxing again and again.

"Guess they thought it was too late, so they might as well go head and do it," Gunn said, looking at his cards and sneaking a glance at Cordy as his arousal flared. He imagined what she looked like without her clothes and the sexy noises she made during sex. He forced his eyes back down at his cards, trying to think of something disturbing to chase the arousal away.

"Apparently so," Wesley agreed, sneaking a glance at Fred, who's eyes wondering to the stairs every few minutes, thinking of Angel in bed with that blonde girl. The one girl in all the world. Buffy. The one that prevented her from ever being with him.

"Well, just be ready to dust his ass when he comes back down here before he kills anyone," Cordy snapped, slapping her cards down on the table, revealing a full house.

"Damn, baby," Gunn said with a grimace as he laid down his cards, "You're ruthless when you're pissed."

She shot him an annoyed look and stood up. The paralyzing fear that crawled up her spine was not eased by the panting fluttering through the hotel. She didn't want to kill Angel. She loved him.


Give me your vertical, your horizontal lines. I want to take each of them, bend them to fit mine.

"Angel," Buffy moaned, wrapping her legs tighter around him, moving in time with his thrusts. She dug her nails greedily into his back, bucking against her. As she drew his blood, he felt his face morph into the demon.

"Damn," He growled moving against her, trying to push his demon half aside. Lost in the suffocating warmth of her, moving inside his lover, he was as far from his demon half as he could be, until she broke open his skin.

i gotta divide my emotions into wrong and right. Then i get to see how close i can get to it without giving in, then i get to rub up against it til i break the skin, rub up against it til i break the skin.

"What's wrong, baby?" she whispered, clinging to him, moving with him.

"Nothing," he said, trying to swallow his blood lust, "I just...didn't mean for this to happen."

"What?" she asked, failing to understand what "this" was, "Us making love?" She grabbed two handfuls of his firm ass pulling him harder against her to punctuate her question.

"No," he moaned, lost in her heat, "the...demon."

"Oh," she whispered, caressing his face, "Didn't notice."

She turned her head to the side, baring her throat and her scar for him to taste. He shook his head. She was bearing her throat when she knew damn well that Angelus could appear at any moment? She wasn't turned off by the grotesque sight of his demon half? He hadn't looked in the mirror in over two hundred years but he knew what vampires looked like. He knew what he had to look like.

if you're born a lion, don't bother trying to act tame

She turned back toward him to look into his golden eyes when he didn't drink. His face was strange. Not because of the demon that possessed it but because of the expression he wore. Mixed with love, lust and disgust all at once.

She touched his face again and he turned away, finally pausing in his movements but still inside her, stretching her to fit him.

"Don't," she said, turning him back toward her, "I love you. Don't turn away from me. I know you want to taste my blood."

He looked down in shame, only able to focus on her bare breasts, which didn't help the situation.

"It's okay," she whispered, pulling him to her neck and grinding against him again, "I want you to have it."

He resumed his movements, while he sucked her scar, trying to regain his composure, trying to overcome his shame. She squeezed him inside her and pulled his head harder against her neck, "Drink."

The word was base, guttural and it superseded his hesitation. He bit in and drank.


the colors of an eternal cycle fading

If Angel had known that his friends had stayed around waiting to stake him and listening to their rasping, despaired lovemaking, Buffy hadn't. When Angel had fallen asleep, nearly sobbing in her arms, she realized that she was starving. She gently untangled herself from him and slipped on the silk shirt he had worn earlier. She loved the way the silk moved against her skin, smelling of him.

The group had long ago decided to stay on guard in shifts while the others slept - however easily. It was Gunn's turn for watch and he was perched on the counter, slapping a sharply pointed stake in his broad hand. He looked up when he heard the door click upstairs and hopped soundlessly off the counter, his stature defensive. He liked Angel well enough for a vamp but he never trusted him. He was surprised at the genuine regret and worry he felt at the thought of killing him.

He saw Buffy walking down the stairs. She wasn't even thinking about anyone else being in the hotel, having forgotten that Fred lived there - more of a deliberate lapse of memory than anything else. She hated the idea of a beautiful girl sleeping and living mere feet from her lover's bed.

Buffy was lost in thought, still feeling as if Angel's hands were on her. She was wrapped in clouds as she descended the stairs.

Gunn stared at the gorgeous blonde descending the stairs, fresh from Angel's bed. She was wearing one of Angel's silk shirts and was very obviously naked underneath it. Her screams of pleasure echoed in his mind as he watched her. The Slayer contained more passion in the bedroom than on the battlefield. He watched her, unusually preoccupied and not near the predator she usually was. The rise of her breasts showed through the barely buttoned shirt and her hair fell in rumpled bed tangles, tickling her skin.

"Buffy," he said as she got to the bottom of the stairs and nearly ran into him.

"Oh, um...Gunn...hi," she said, pulling the top of Angel's shirt to cover more of her skin, "I was just coming down for a snack."

Gunn noticed the bite on her neck and jerked away from her, pointing, "He bit you!"

She nodded wordlessly. His hand shot out to grab her wrist, feeling for a pulse, visions of his sister's face shrouding his attention.

"I'm alive, Gunn," she started, "He-"

She was cut off as he circled her and made his way to the stairs.

"Gunn!" she yelled, pulling him back, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to stake him!" he yelled back, "What do you think?"

"No," she screamed, knocking him to the floor, Angel's shirt fluttering around her.

"I have to," he said, leaping back to his feet, "I promised him."

"No," she screamed again, "He isn't evil, Gunn."

"You're gonna lie to me to protect him? The evidence is on your neck, Buffy."

"Gunn," she said, her eyes filled with a more dangerous bloodlust than he had ever seen on a vampire, "Stay away from him."

and i guess that push has come to this, so this must be shove.

Gunn took a deep breath before engaging The Slayer. He knew he had to get to Angel before anyone lost their life. He punched her hard in the mouth, causing her bare feet to step back from him before she raised her bare leg, swiping the same bare foot across his face.

Angel, hearing the disruption downstairs, tossed on pants as he ran down the stairs, still zipping them.

"Gunn!" he shouted, releasing a violent roundhouse kick against Gunn, causing him to fall to his knees, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to get upstairs to kill you," he said, climbing back to his feet.

"Can you wait until I'm evil before you kill me?" Angel asked, pulling Buffy back and tucking her in his side, unsuccessfully. She tore away from him to maintain her defensive stance.

"You can't fool me," Gunn said, "The fang marks in your woman's neck reveal everything."

"I bit her," Angel said, "but if I was evil, she'd be dead...or I would. You don't bit a Slayer and walk away without a fight. One of you dies."

Gunn stood down, contemplating his words.

"What are you doing?" Angel asked, feeling nervous about her near nakedness. Even though he knew Gunn's human olfactory senses couldn't smell Buffy's post-arousal, he could and that was enough.

"I'm hungry," she said, finally looking away from Gunn to cuddle into Angel's side.

"Oh," he said, "I didn't even think of that. Sorry." He kissed her forehead and looked at her with a sheepish grin as he tugged her towards the kitchen, "Come on."

"Hungry, Gunn?" He asked with a smile, "Even if you aren't, you can come with us and keep an eye on me."

"Thought your Slayer could take you," Gunn said, relaxing and falling in step behind him.

"She can," he said, trying to hide the fear that convulsed through his large frame, "But you won't wanna miss the show."

i am watching your chest rise and fall, like the tides of my life and the rest of it all.
Your bones have been my bed frame and your flesh has been my pillow.
I've been waiting for sleep to offer up the deep with both hands.

Snuggling in bed with him an hour later with a full stomach, she smiled into his chest, "Nice attempt at casual."

"Thanks," he said, kissing her head and closing his eyes, "I thought you would appreciate it."

"I did."

"I'm so glad."

Angel watched her sleep, curled content against him. The real Buffy, the one with her memory intact, would not be asleep right now. It had been more than six hours since the last time they had sex and still no change. They had sex three other times since then and he had felt nothing.

He was tempted to think that the curse was gone. He brushed the thought from his mind. The second he thought that he would jinx himself into Angelusville. He waited and stared at Buffy, wondering if he would ever see her like this again.


the door opens, the room winces

When Angel woke up, soul intact, he felt like climbing on the roof and screaming with happiness...and he might have if it wasn't daytime. He showered, dressed and kissed Buffy's sleeping head before going downstairs to face his heedful and forlorn motley friends.

They all stood up when he walked down the stairs, all with matching stakes and expressions of fear.

"It's okay," he said, looking over their tired faces.

"You're you?" Fred asked, taking a tiny step forward, her stake shaking in her delicate hand.

"Yes," he said, "And I'm sorry for putting you all through that."

"You should be," Cordelia said, anger flashing in her weary eyes.

"I am," he said, "and I'm also confused. I should have lost my soul but I didn't."

"Yes, well," Wesley said, "I'm certain that there has to be an explanation."

"Research after I make you all breakfast?" Angel said full of friendliness and regret.

"Fine with me," Gunn said with a smile, "See I told you all he was fine."

"Whatever," Cordy spat.

She's hot when she's pissed, Gunn thought, It always seemed cliche before but damn if it wasn't true on her.

"Who wants eggs?" Angel called out from the kitchen, as if he were planning on cooking anything else. A vampire's cooking expertise only went so far.


i feel her eyes watching me from behind the curtain of her hair
and she says i'm sorry i didn't mean to stare.

Buffy woke up, yawning sleepily and looking around for Angel. The room smelled like shower and she was sure he had showered and left. She was more than a little disappointed that she wasn't in his arms when she woke up. She felt a strange, nagging deja vu but shook herself out of it as she stood and padded to the bathroom.

After showering and dressing, she headed downstairs to see what everyone was up to. She was sure Angel was engaged in some sort of research to figure out what was wrong with her.

As if there was really something wrong with her.

The logical part of her knew that everyone else thought there was something wrong and she should probably agree but she didn't. Her Slayer sense poked at her with the disturbing knowledge that something bad was coming. She hadn't forgotten that Angel was in danger. She hurried down the stairs, suddenly feeling the urgency of his absence from her side.

A very feminine voice climbed up the stairs from the lobby. The voice was not Cordy or Fred or any other voice that she recognized. The voice was husky and dripping with want. The voice was dueling vocal foreplay with her lover's voice. She picked up the pace down the hallway.

Buffy stopped briefly on the landing at the bottom of the stairs to survey the room. Angel was standing in the lobby talking to a very attractive, very tall blonde. Her body language suggested want as she leaned into him. He wasn't backing away. Buffy felt rivalry and suspicious spite foster up inside her - the spell rearing its violent head.

Didn't that bitch know that Angel was hers?

"Who the hell are you?" Buffy said, the spell taking over in her brain, as she walked up beside Angel and snaked an arm around his torso.

"I'm thinking the same question," Kate snapped back, looking over the petite blonde that was molding herself around Angel. Where did she come from? Kate was sure that she was inches away from getting Angel in her bed. After he had saved her life, she romanced fantasies of him in the shower again - the next time naked and inside her. The girl came from upstairs but that didn't necessarily mean that she slept with him. There were lots of rooms up there.

But Angel didn't pull away from her at all. He placed a kiss on her forehead that, as simple as it was, seemed loaded with more intimacy than Kate wanted to notice. They were lovers. The girl looked vaguely familiar and Kate searched her memory for where she had seen her before.

Oh right, Kate remembered, she was the nobody that forcefully tried to remove Angel from police detainment.

"Angel," Kate said smiling, "Is this Nobody or does she go by a different name?"

"I'm Buffy," Buffy said, her eyes narrowing at the blonde as she unconsciously gripped Angel's side, digging her fingers into her mate. He reached down and put his arm around her shoulders, absently massaging her upper arm.

"Oh, Buffy, is it?" Kate said snidely. What the hell kind of name was Buffy?

"Yeah," Buffy answered, "and you are?"

"Buffy, this is Kate," Angel said, nodding at the taller blonde, "Kate, this is Buffy."

"Oh, Kate," Buffy said, "Right. The cop."

"Ex," Kate said, old feelings pressing against her.

"Something I can help you with?"

"I wanted to talk to Angel about a case," Kate answered.

"Well, I'll hang around, if you don't mind," Buffy said, releasing her death hold on Angel and sitting down on the couch nonchalantly.

"Actually, I think I do," Kate replied, "This is confidential."

"Well, sorry," Buffy said, settling against the red couch, crossing her arms.

"That's okay, Kate," Angel said, sitting down next to Buffy, knowing it was smart to take Buffy's side, "You can talk in front of Buffy."

"Angel," Wesley called out from the office, "Can you come in here for a second?"

"Uh, sure," Angel said, standing. He cast a look over at the two women shooting swords of discontent across the room at each other.

Now you think, so that is the way it's gonna be, that's what this is all about
and i think that is the way it always was, you chose not to notice until now.

With Angel out of the room, Buffy spoke, "Angel belongs to me. You'd be smart to stay the hell away from him."

"He belongs to you?" Kate asked, unable to hide the exasperation in her voice.

"Yes," Buffy said confidently, "he's mine."

"You can't own a person," Kate said coldly, "Angel can do whatever he wants."

To me, she added silently. Kate had more than a little trouble overcoming the fact that Angel was a vampire but hot was hot. He made her spine tingle. She wanted him and she couldn't let this little blonde scare her away. Angel had shown some interest. She was positive if she waited a bit longer, he would give in. Besides, she hadn't seen this girl in over a year. She would leave again and Angel would need someone to comfort him. She smiled at the thought.

"Give it up," Buffy said, standing, "You don't stand a chance."


"Yeah. He's sort of a one woman vampire, if you know what I mean." Buffy looked her over closely. She was way too attractive to hang around Angel when she wasn't around and Kate was too much of his type: Beautiful, blonde, strong willed. She couldn't ignore how attractive she was, her blue eyes bright and intelligent. She was lovely. It was aggravating. Studying her closely, Buffy noticed the bite scar on Kate's neck.

both hands. now use both hands. no, don't close your eyes. i am writing graffiti on your body. i am drawing the story of how hard we tried, how hard we tried.

"What the hell is that?" Buffy said in disbelief. He had marked her? "Did Angel do that?" Buffy reached up and felt her own wound, which was nearly healed already from last night.

Kate nodded with a smile, towering over Buffy. She wasn't sure why she was smiling except that it seemed to upset Buffy so much. It made her downright joyful. Obviously the bite meant something important. Kate noticed Buffy's scar when she reached up to touch it and everything clicked into place.

she gave me her smile and i looked underneath

Buffy couldn't stop her fist from connecting with Kate's smiling face. Kate violently hit the floor, the smile replaced by shock from the force that came from such a little person.

"You bitch," Kate said standing and taking a swing, which Buffy easily dodged before swinging her leg up to connect with Kate's jaw, sending her flying back to the floor.

angels enter the world

Angel came running into the room as Buffy descended on her prey once more. He pulled her away from Kate with an angry jerk, "What the hell are you doing?"

He looked back at Kate, giving her the same infuriated look.

"You marked her," Buffy said, pointing at her neck.

Buffy couldn't remember why she had talked to Spike about it or why she had even been talking to Spike in the first place, but she did remember when he explained vampire possession to her. She remembered what he said it meant.

"No, I didn't," Angel answered, realizing what had happened. He silently cursed Spike. Buffy would not have known the information otherwise. The Childe talked too damn much.

"She said you bit her."

"I bit her. I didn't mark her," Angel said honestly, "There's a difference."

"And what would that be?" she said, her hands rising to her tiny hips, razors flashing in her eyes.

"I bit her to save her life. It's a long story," he explained, and then turned to Kate, extending a hand to help her up, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Kate said, shaking the stun from her head, "Except your friend is crazy."

"Sorry," he said, trying to get a pinch of sanity into the room, "We've had a rough couple of days. Kate, I'm sorry but something's come up that we need to take care of. Can we finish this later?"

"Uh, sure," she said, turning towards the door, "I'll give you a call in a couple of days."

"Sounds great," he said, turning away from her. Kate watched as he took Buffy's hand.

"Come on, baby," he said, "We've got some results from the research. Willow's on the phone."



and we are armed to the teeth we are all working together now to make our lives mercifully brief.

"Right then," Wesley said as the couple entered the office, "Between Willow and the team in Sunnydale and our research here, we've come upon some conclusions that should be helpful to our current situation. Seems that Wolfram & Hart were the persons responsible for Buffy's abduction and for the spell. Willow searched the databases and found that they own the building in downtown Sunnydale where Buffy was taken. Apparently they just purchased it last week.

"Wolfram & Hart?" Buffy asked.

"Law firm hell bent on driving Angel psycho," Gunn said from the corner.

"Why would they take me? What do I have to do with this?" Buffy asked.

"Seems they were using you as a tool to try and rid Angel of his soul yet again."

"Annoying freaks in suits," Cordelia stated.

"Yes, quite," Wesley, "They performed a spell called Primal Force."

"Willow actually found the spell," Fred added, "It's a spell where they take the greatest love or possession and make them think they will lose it."

"That's right, Fred," said Wesley, "and the person who is affected has a primal protectiveness over the possession or person, in this case."

"Buffy's greatest love is Angel," Cordy said.

"Yes and for some reason, it normally causes selective memory loss and rage. Normally the person forgets anything that happened in the past that may have jeopardized the possession or relationship in this case."

"Right, so Buffy forgot that Dead Boy left Buffy," Xander said, walking into the room with Anya, Willow and Dawn in tow. Angel sighed inwardly at the sight of Xander. For such an nonthreat, the boy still made him uneasy.

"Precisely," Wesley chirped, "I'm glad you three made it safely. Apparently Wolfram and Hart did not know that Angel's soul was permanently ensconced and so they believed that he would come here and lose it again."

"I didn't even know," Angel said with emphasis, "Anyone know how?"

"We found this," Fred said, struggling with an inordinately large book in her arms, "A vampire who feeds from The Slayer will bind from the force, causing his body to heal and his intellect to sharpen. The power of the blood of a Slayer will strengthen the undead causing a permanent increase in strength and will."

Angel stood dumbfounded. Her blood had sealed his soul.

Buffy, still infused with the spell, was confused. Willow handed her a bottle of gloomy liquid, "Drink this. It'll bring your memory back."

Buffy looked at Angel and started to lift the bottle to her lips when Angel touched her arm, causing her to pause. He took a deep, unneeded breath.

"Before you drink that," Angel said, "I want you to know that I love you. I always will."

She waited for him to finish but he said nothing further, "I love you too, Angel."

"You won't after you drink that," he said with aching fear crossing the distance between them.

"Yes, I will," she said and drank the contents of the bottle. Angel caught her before she fell to the floor and carried her out the couch in the lobby.


i don't know what it is about you i just know that it's not what it was.
i don't know why red fades before blue. it just does.

Hours passed before she regained consciousness and in the meantime, Angel couldn't sit still for more than moments at a time. He stood up, sat down, paced and repeated. The longer he waited, the angrier he got.

The Buffy that would wake up, wouldn't be his Buffy. It would Riley's Buffy. Parker's Buffy. Spike's fucking Buffy. He dreaded her waking up as almost as much as her continued sleep. He wanted her to be the Buffy that he loved, the one that loved him. He was furious that she would sleep with Spike after he left her for children and sunshine. He felt his back stiffen at the thought of her opening her eyes to the world she left, the world that he no longer belonged in.

He was furious with himself as well. He had been so wrapped up in being with her and making love to her that he had forgotten that everything had changed. Nothing was as it was. She was going to wake up and she would return to the life that she had left behind. The world that didn't include him.

His fear and trepidation mutated into something more frightening than anger while he waited for her to wake and looked up to see the glass doors open from the momentum caused by Spike's pale hands.


i want somebody who can hold my interest hold it and never it let it fall. somebody who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist or a sentence that hits me like a brick wall. if you hear me talking, listen to what i'm not saying.

Buffy blinked several times as she returned to the world. She sat up on the couch and looked around the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel. Angel's eyes were the first to meet hers and the quickest to look away. Maybe he didn't want her to see the anger there or maybe he couldn't stay quite as angry while lost in her eyes but for one of those reasons he turned away. Buffy stood and walked over to him, looking up in his eyes. She hadn't yet uttered a word.

He's angry with me, she thought, wrestling with the confusion that was just beginning to clear in her mind. She knew he had a right to be angry. She knew she had fucked up by sleeping with Spike. Now that her memory returned, he could truly be angry and he was. And she felt like she didn't deserve the recognition he had given her before.

She was angry too. She was angry that he had played a large part in her turning to Spike, even though she knew that he tried to act in her best interest. She was furious that she even felt that way. He made her feel worse because he was so nice about it, because he didn't yell or rant. She wanted him to be pissed off, to rant and call her names. Then at least she could feel what he was feeling, know what he really thought. She felt his silence was a dishonesty.

He moved forward and stood right before her. She lifted her head, looking up at him. His lips inches from hers and she waited for him to touch her, to lean just a fraction forward and. . .

I don't remember it exactly but it slays me every time

But he stood there, looking into her eyes, not moving, as if he was waiting for her to say something or do something. He wanted her to explain or apologize or scream. But they both waited until he turned away. Buffy let her breath escape and realized that she had been holding her breath. She was shaking with the anticipation of the touch that never happened. She stood there waiting for something to break the feeling that nested inside her and she flinched the light click of the door, signaling his exit.

i'm gonna turn and walk away. you can wait til i am far along
then run and come and catch my arm and say you'd die if i were gone.
i want to hear you call my name. it's too easy just to say it soft.

Everyone else in the room seemed to be hanging in the thick anticipation in the air. Everyone seemed surprised that Angel walked out.

Except Spike...who smiled.


i guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me. i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry i am.

Buffy sank into the couch and lowered her head into her hands. The past few days were so muddled and she tried to separate the feelings in her head. Finally, unable to take the silence, Spike broke it.

"You alright, Slayer?"

She nodded. She wasn't ready to speak. She wasn't ready to decide.

"You sure, Buff?" Xander asked. She raised her head and looked around the room which seemed larger and somewhat inappropriate in Angel's absence. Everyone's faces were colored with concern.

"I need some time to sort this all out," she said, standing again and walking out of the glass doors.

"Buffy!" Spike called out, jogging to catch up with her, "You alright, love?"

"I'm fine," she said, her voice brittle and cracked, "I just need some time to think about things."

He grabbed her arm and caused her to spin towards him and meet his eyes. He inhaled her scent deeply, smelling his Grande Sire's scent on her. His was almost completely gone, as if he had never been there. He had already disappeared.

"You look me like you hate me," he said, searching her eyes.

"It's not hate, it's irritation," she explained.

"You still love him, don't you?"

"Oh my god," Buffy said, the harsh words slicing through the air between them.

"I knew it," Spike said, "I bloody knew it!"

"What did you expect Spike? Did you really think I was going to spend the rest of my life with you?"

"Well, yeah," he said, his face covered in confusion, "You can't tell me that you don't love me."

you've decided to love me for eternity and i'm still deciding who i want to be today.

"I don't," she said meeting his eyes.

"You feel something for me Slayer, I know you do."

"You're not him, Spike. He's the one I love. I've never been able to love anyone else."

He knew her words were true but he never thought he would actually hear them.

"You bloody rotten bitch," he ranted, "I would have given you everything!"

"I'm sorry," she said, turning away from him, so she was unable to see his face change but she did hear the animalistic growl come from behind her.

"I should kill you right now."

"Spike," she said, turning back around to meet his yellow eyed gaze, "I don't want to fight. It's not going to make a difference."

She turned her back on him again and he stood there shaking. He wanted nothing more than to suck every drop of blood from her and watch her lifeless corpse fall to the ground. But he loved her. He couldn't, so he stood watching her walk away, every muscle tensed, ready to attack her the second he formed the compulsion.

It never came.


and i was blessed with a birth and a death and i guess i just want some say in between. don't you understand? in the day to day in the face to face, i have to act just as strong as i can just to preserve a place where i can be who i am.

Buffy was bathed in his scent when she reached him, seeking him out by instinct, finding him quickly.

"You left," she stated blankly, "again."

"Shouldn't you be reuniting with Spike?" Venom dripped from his words.

"Don't treat me like you had nothing to do with this."

now you can't leave me here. yeah, now that you're back you'd better stay this time.

"I might have left you, Buffy, but I did nothing to push you towards Spike. I'll take the blame for a lot of wrongs but I'm not responsible for that."

"You're responsible for his immortality," she spat, surprising herself at the cold words.

"Wow," he said, taking a step back, "Who are you?"

"I'm sorry," she said, stepping forward, "That was uncalled for."

"You're damn right," he said, trying to mutate his anger back into fear, "I love you Buffy. I left so that you could have a normal life. Not have sex with another demon."

"We're ex. You have no right to judge who I sleep with."

"I know," he said, his eyes softening, "but I can't help it. I can't stand the idea of you and...him... together."

"All this time we could have been together instead," she whispered, taking another tiny step forward.

"No, we couldn't have," he said back.

"Yes, we could," she said, "The issue was always Angelus, not picnics or children. We used to put the world in danger. Now we don't. It's not fair. We've lost all this time when we didn't have to."

"Buffy, I'm not sure I would have stayed if I knew that my soul was bound before."

"Yes, you would have," she said, her eyes deadly serious, "I wouldn't have let you leave. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have let you leave anyway - soul issue aside."

but I'm just about done with the oh-woe-is-me shit and i want everything back that's mine

He looked down. Ashamed at his selfishness. He wanted her back. Horrible lust, love and need racked his body. He didn't want to turn away again. He wasn't sure he could. But he had to.

"Angel," she said, craning her head to catch his eyes, "Since you left, I haven't had normal."

"I don't understand," he mumbled.

"Since you left, I haven't been able to love anyone else. Everyone else was just that. Everyone else. As in, not you. I don't know what it feels like anymore to be breathless between each kiss. I don't know what it's like to miss my boyfriend and eagerly await our next meeting. I don't need sex. I need love. Normal is so much more than children and picnics and sunlight, Angel. Normal is love and warmth and feeling safe. I'm The Slayer. My world is darkness. I don't want a damn picnic. I want you."

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand, that i'm not angry anymore, i'mngry not aanymore.

He pulled her to him and held her so tightly that she could barely breathe. Long minutes passed inside the embrace before he let her go and pulled back to look into her eyes, "I don't want you to regret being with me. I can't stand the idea that you're wasting your life with me - that you will look back on this and regret your decision."

"I want my life to be with you."

"Me too."

"I love you."

"I try not to," he whispered against her lips, bringing back the memory of the very first time, "But I can't stop."


i think you two are forever and i hate to say it but you're perfect together. so fuck you and your untouchable face. fuck you for existing in the first place.

The hotel was still crawling with Scoobies when Angel and Buffy walked in, hand in hand.

"Where's Spike?" Willow asked, looking behind them.

"Gone," Buffy said, her eyes downcast in regret.

No one noticed the blonde vampire's lurking figure outside the dark windows, his eyes glowing golden with anger. Revenge was a bitch. Slow, painful realization of that fact was coming. And soon.

do you ever have that dream when you open your mouth
and you try to scream but you can't make a sound?
that's everyday starting now, that's everyday starting now.

--The End--